A Plane Ticket, a Dream and a Leap of Faith

My plan to write daily has evolved into one long post about my time in Phuket thus far.  Adjusting here was hard and I needed time.  It's no small feat to go from the stressed life to the active life. I'm hoping to share here the ups and downs of my 90 day journey from my "before" life to my life "after" the leap.

 

I wrote this blog about a week ago but hesitated to post it for a host of reasons. Month two is proving challenging mentally and some of my thoughts below have changed.  The challenge, however, has given me the realization of what my long-term plans need to be.  More on that later. :)

 



Sunset at Yanui Beach





At the Beginning – the Journey to my Life Sabbatical

It’s been 36 days since I boarded a plane in Toronto for my long-awaited adventure to Phuket, Thailand. That day in July was preceded by months of planning and dreaming for an experience to change my life, for what I thought would be primarily physical changes.  

For years, I have struggled with a desire to break out of my physical mold, to accomplish the seemingly insurmountable task of losing weight.  For as long as I can remember, weight has been an issue for me.  I still have vivid memories of eating as a child; most often, it involved sneaking food from various sources, whether as a source of pleasure or an antidote for pain.  This pattern continued into my adolescence and adulthood.  I’ve put on pounds of weight, lost it, put it all on again, and the cycle goes on.  Stress, anxiety, and all kinds of unsympathetic beliefs about myself and the limits of my life helped facilitate this ongoing drama.  

My “identity” for most of my life has been that of the high achiever, a self-imposed definition that has contributed to my incessant stress and corresponding unhealthy coping mechanisms.  Academically and career-wise, I could accept nothing less than the best.  When you create these expectations, the means to that end becomes a painful thing to “get through”; and hence, the last five years of my life became something to “get through.” I “got through” undergrad, I “got through” law school, “got through” articling, “got through” my first year of practice, while requiring myself to attain top grades, top positions and top performance.  As I continued in my practice, I began to wonder why I continued to simply “get through” everything I was doing.  It didn’t make sense to me that I should put so much of my time, effort and self into something I could only tolerate and will myself to endure until some unforeseeable point in time. 

Moreover, the more I did things I had to “get through”, the more of myself I lost.  I found myself changing to meet the expectations of others.  Being a lawyer meant being tough, aggressive, no-nonsense; apparently, it drew less on some of my best personality traits, which I began to see as weaknesses, despite previously seeing these as a source of pride.  I began to take stock of myself and look at the choices I had made and the path I was on.  I found that my life had been defined by certain choices I had made, motivated by certain fears and beliefs, certain perceptions I received from others, and the baggage of judgments I had come to believe about myself.  I came to realize that I was “getting through” things because I believed I had no other choices in life.

With a lot of soul-searching and other support, I began to find myself, underneath the rigid layers of shoulds, shouldn’ts, and narrow worldview I had internalized for as long as I could remember.  Out of that, I came to the conclusion I wanted something different for my life and I wanted a fresh start, in every sense of the word.  I had no idea what form that might take until, after some cleverly crafted Google searches, I happened upon a health retreat in Phuket, Thailand, where I could physically train and reform my eating habits, far removed from the destruction-enabling environment I had created at home.  I almost talked myself out of sending an email for more info, but decided I had nothing to lose.  Thankfully, I took that chance and sent the email – and you could say the rest is history, as I sit here writing this post from my room facing the hills of Phuket.



Looks a bit different from my view at home

Taking the Chance – Phuket or Bust

 

Coming to Thailand was not an easy decision for me.  For some, it may seem like an uncomplicated choice.   For me, it required fighting a matrix of discouraging sentiments– both internally and externally – and taking an uncharacteristic risk.  I knew it was time to find a different path, career-wise and personally, but it required making some bold moves.  Of course, many would say that there were other ways to accomplish my goals, but I knew myself better than anyone, and I knew a drastic change would be the kick I needed to reorient my life.  I was lucky enough to have hard-earned, albeit new-found, courage that allowed me to depart from my job and plan a one-way trip to a place I had never been before. 

It was not a spontaneous move by any means; I researched the hell out of the retreat (which the owners can attest to J), I weighed the pros and cons and consequences this move would have in all areas of my life (career, money-wise, etc. etc.), prayed for guidance and clarity, but ultimately, I realized taking this chance might give me the kind of life I now had the courage to hope for, while staying put would leave me in the same place I had always been. 

Although weight loss, health and fitness were my goals, I was also curious to see who I would become if I was away from all the people, roles and perceptions that had come to define me, from my own perspective and that of others.  I was also lucky to have many incredible supporters who understood why I wanted to take this chance to improve my life.

With much effort, I put the wheels in motion and by the grace of God and meticulous planning, I found myself flying across the world to Shanghai, China, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia and finally Phuket, Thailand.  It was a risk in every sense of the word, but the risk would hopefully be worth the reward.

I can’t pretend I wasn’t a bit nervous taking this trip, but fear wasn’t really in the equation.  The excitement of embarking on a journey without a defined end was the greatest exhilaration I’ve felt in my life. I remember the feeling of flying over the many islands around Phuket, as I began to land at my final destination; the gorgeous turquoise waters against the dark green-blue of the forested hills lit up my mind and quickened my heart, as I realized this beautiful place would be my new temporary home.  I couldn’t believe my plan had actually come through, as I never believed something like this could happen to me.

I was picked up at the airport and driven to the retreat.  My eyes were alive to the sights and sounds of this strange new place.  Driving on the wrong side of the road, the streets busy with beeping cars and competing scooters.  The streets featured hanging sides, one on top of the other, advertising lively restaurants, sketchy-looking bars and shops lined with vacation-style clothing.  Our drive was framed by the beautiful hills surrounding Phuket, the jungle trees and rubber tree farms, and all kinds of temples and shrines.



One of many beautiful temples in Phuket

 

Arriving at the retreat, a nervousness finally crept in; what if, after all my planning, I had made a big mistake? The usual fears played out in mind. 

Contrary to these misgivings, what I found was a group of people who were, surprisingly, much like me.  The guests were upbeat, welcoming, and from every part of the world.  I shared my first few days of life-changing experiences with people I had only just met, and yet who I connected with immediately.   Still adjusting to my new environment, I visited a nearby beach, Naiharn, with two other guests – one from the UK, the other from Dubai - on my second or third day.  I could see the crashing waves as we traveled over the sinking sand to the beachfront.  It was my first time at a beach in years.  We entered the water with trepidation and found ourselves knocked off our feet over and over again with the strength of the waves.  And yet all we did was laugh and stand up for more punishment.  As I tasted the saltwater and took in the islands and surrounding trees, it sunk in that I was thousands of miles from home, in new found company, feeling like a kid again.  The experience was surreal.




Naiharn Beach from afar

 

The Highlights

My days here have been hectic and an adjustment for mind and body alike. There is a schedule of 3-5 workouts a day, of which I typically do at least 2, one strength, one cardio, with a flexibility class usually thrown in.  Add on a range of self-development lessons and social time and you have a packed day.  I love it, but it is a physical challenge, rather than an intellectual feat like the kind I’ve gripped myself with the past seven years.  My brain is working in ways I never knew possible, and the strengthening of my muscles is now accompanied by the strengthening of my resolve.

Weight loss is truly a mental trip.  I had no idea that my path of reforming my body would instead become an act of disciplining my mind.  But the physical changes, and the change in my physical environment, have also brought about unexpected personal changes.  Being away from what has previously defined me has allowed me to evolve into anything I want to be.  I may be here to change my appearance, but suddenly I’ve felt vivacious, interesting, funny and witty.  I’ve enjoyed feeling good about myself.  Truly that’s what it comes down to. 

And I’m surrounded by people who start off strangers and become friends, confidants and cheerleaders.  People who see something in me that I often fail to see in myself.  They see something special, unique, kind, empathetic and worthy of recognition. I think I came here broken in a number of ways, but not the kind of broken that is necessarily sorrowful; it’s the kind of broken that happens when you are forced to look at yourself and reassemble the parts into a new and more authentic version of you.  I can’t say I didn’t think I was great before; now, I just accept that there is something special that I bring to the table that perhaps others do not, and that’s worth taking pride in.

These sentiments hit on what have been the highlights of my journey so far. I’ve been in Phuket approximately a month, and it would be difficult to summarize everything I’ve done.  The best parts include:

• The people.  As I mentioned, this experience would be nothing without the incredible people I have met along the way.  I have seen people stay for a week or two at a time, and make lasting connections even then, and also had the company of a few long-term residents, who experienced the daily workouts, classes, and personal dramas with me.  I have received immeasurable support from people who became fast friends, life coaches, and personal trainers.  These wonderful people have pushed me to be a better version of myself – or perhaps to be my more authentic self – and asked for nothing in return (except updates on Facebook J).  Some pushed me to physically challenge myself further than I thought I could go, adding extra workouts and physical treks that taught me about the depth of my physical endurance (and the extent of my pride).  These beautiful friends left me gifts as they left to return to their own lives, in the form of encouraging words, books, beauty products, and the list goes on.  They also left me with the knowledge that they were routing for me in all of the different parts of the world they are in.  I’ve never had the opportunity to meet so many like-minded individuals from so many parts of the world.  It is an experience I will never forget.

 

• Feeling the changes in my body.  Your brain has a memory of your body weight and shape. When your body feels lighter, or no longer moves the same, it awakens something in the brain. It is also exciting to be able to physically accomplish tasks that were impossible before.  I can do a TRX sit-up with ease, run up hills, stretch into ever stranger yoga positions, lift heavier weights, complete bootcamp circuits, and other things that were an incredible challenge when I first arrived.  I now look in the mirror and see a different shape slowly emerging.  My clothes – even my workout clothes – are beginning to fit differently.  My energy is lighter, my body is lighter, my skin has cleared up, my translucent skin is now a bronzy brown, and I find myself make-up free 99% of the time. It’s an experiment in naturalism that I’ve never had. I feel sober being here, outside the heavy influence of sugar, carbs, fat, and food highs I had cloaked myself in for the last year.  Despite being without carbs for over a month, and not having cravings, I still feel like my new found healthy habits are precariously kept.  With time and effort, I’m hoping this addict-mindset will subside.

 

• Learning to discipline my mind.  I’ve learned that the same kind of dedication, resourcefulness, toughness and strength I’ve exhibited in other parts of my life – career-wise, academically, emotionally/mentally – are equally applicable to physical challenges.  Looking back at my life, I realize I have rarely challenged myself physically for a sustained period of time.  I’ve attended bootcamp and personal training, both of which gave me the courage to even attempt a physical adventure like this.  But I have never focused on training, day in and day out, and experienced the highs and lows it brings.  I realized I’ve allowed myself to remain comfortable when it comes to physical challenge.  Like with life decisions, I’ve allowed fear and pain to hold me back. I also flat believed I couldn’t do most of things I’ve done.  Being forced to push through these – by being at this retreat, by attending group classes, by being surrounded by new-found friends who believe in my abilities more than I do - I’ve learned I’m remarkably strong for my current physical weight.  I have also learned that the part of my brain telling me to stop, to take it easy, to give less – the instinctual, inherited part of the brain that seeks preservation and survival, the “lizard brain” – can be ignored.  I’ve usually listened to that part of my brain, when it comes to working out or other parts of life.  That part is now affectionately known as “Sheena” and I can comfort her and then tell her to go away when she arises.  My physical workouts are now the battlefield where I wage the war against the parts of my mind holding me back.  Each time, I am amazed at how much more I can accomplish than what I believed starting out.

• The physical accomplishments – on that note, I’ve done things here that are huge accomplishments from my perspective.  Cardio is a challenge for me (and not something I enjoy).  Activities that are difficult, and that do not play to my strengths, are the kind I’ve subconsciously avoided.  So to complete these tasks is big for me, but continues to be rewarding as I see myself improve.  Some accomplishments, on the other hand, are simply fun things that give me pause to appreciate the incredible tasks I am enjoying every day:



• Completing stair hurricanes, which consists of an anaerobic workout of sprinting up stairs, completing step-ups and push-ups in-between, finished with 3 rounds of sprinting-up hill, jumping jacks and tricep dips – seems small, but this workout terrified me when I first arrived (and still remains my Everest).  I skipped this workout twice, then pulled a muscle before I could attempt it the third time.  I finally completed the workout two weeks ago.  It was hard as hell and I wasn’t the fastest, but I didn’t stop.  My mental chops really came in handy (and continue to come in handy) on this one (and the extra practice on stairs I received from another guest, who became a good friend and personal coach/trainer, made all the difference J).

 

• Cardio challenges – I’ve completed 12-minute runs (and this week finally completed the run without stopping/walking once); circuits of sprinting/jogging uphill around the rolling roads of Phuket; triathlon training; tabata training requiring intervals of squat thrusters, mountain-climbers, and other exercises where my brain is begging me to stop; beach running; Muay Thai, the list goes on.

 

The view from the top of one of our many hikes

• TRX and bootcamp – these are both some of my favourite kinds of training but also some of the most challenging.  My TRX strength has increased significantly, whether in terms of squat jumps, or mastering form, or “increasing the angle.” I’ve learned in bootcamp to push myself beyond what I thought was possible, even when I hate hearing the phrase “one more 2 minute interval.”

• Yoga – I was surprised to discover here that I am relatively flexible, more so (apparently) than the average.  My flexibility continues to improve as I lose weight and increase my strength.  The yoga classes here are challenging and rewarding, and it is a wonderful surprise to find you are good at something when you expected it all to be a struggle.  The beautiful views of the ocean during yoga on Promthrep Cape are also worth the trip.

• Muay Thai training – we were lucky enough to have classes with an ex-Thailand champion Muay Thai fighter.  A slight looking man, our teacher is in fact built like a truck and you realize it if you have the misfortune of hitting him.   His kindness and humour in teaching a riff-raff bunch of uncoordinated fighters – considering this man is the elite of Muay Thai competitors – made an impression on all of us.  The culture of Muay Thai in Phuket is worth visiting for; the masters of this sport are artists who pair speed, agility, strategy, and nimble balance.  It is a discipline and athleticism that commands respect.



The warrior zone

• The beauty of Phuket - as I mentioned, Phuket is blessed with natural beauty.  The beaches are beautiful, albeit a little rough for ware in the current circumstances; nature and wildlife here are abundant.  I’ve seen kinds of trees I never knew existed (fanning palm trees? gorgeous); frogs, geckos, snakes, fruit trees, wild dogs everywhere, and of course, there is always a backdrop of picturesque hills or an ocean dotted with islands on the horizon.  My bike rides on Tuesday around Thanyapura, a sports facility about an hour away, remain one of the highlights of my time here; biking past quiet, shaded rubber tree farms, which seem frozen in time, rows of pineapple bushes (who knew pineapples grow on bushes?!), cows grazing on grass, and the other simple, calm parts of life in rural Phuket – so far removed from the life I have lived to date – have brought me peace and heightened my gratitude for an experience so life-changing.  My trips to Coral Island, about half an hour from Phuket by Thai longboat, are also imprinted in my mind.  Riding along the light blue water, speeding past rocky islands on your way to a beach filled with coral and exotic fish, is exciting for a girl from cold, urban Canada.  You know you grew up in the city when you are enthralled by sea urchins, blue starfish, living coral and rainbow-coloured fish swimming around your feet.

Beautiful Coral Island

 

• The sights of Phuket – My outings in Phuket have also brought a much-needed break from working out, while also allowing me to play tourist for a time. Even a trip to a mall here is fun because everything is different. Central Festival, a huge mall close by, is somehow more exciting than the malls back home.  Trips to the Night Market bring an adrenaline rush, with the market’s hodgepodge of sights and smells, stalls selling clothing (including Thai fisher pants), make-up, food, art, bath products, bootleg DVDs, bags, snakes, and all other manner of things.  Shopping along Kata Beach with some fellow shopaholics was a wonderful way to spend an afternoon.  On a walk up to Promthrep Windmill a few days ago, I visited a temple hidden away from the road, settled on the edge of a cliff overlooking Yanui Beach.  Our group was welcomed by a monk, whose graciousness humbled me as I appeared in my dusty and sweaty state. The quiet serenity of this place, where sparkling tombstones and offerings framed marble seats overlooking the ocean, gave me a cherished moment of calm that replenished my energy.  I’ve had other getaways of solitude like this, where I escape to a beautiful view to regroup, reflect, and write, and these outings become part of the therapy I’ve experienced here.  Shockingly, I still have not yet visited Big Buddha, but it is on the list for month 2 (I’m hoping to make it a physical and spiritual journey by walking up there). 

The view from the hidden temple

 

• Finally, the emotional and personal growth – This unique experience has offered me challenges I did not expect.  Through these, I’ve found myself increasing in gratitude, doing things that scare me, and living in the moment.  I’m also learning to be comfortable with myself.  I am able to gain confidence from a sense of physical and personal strength, lit from within.  I’m also allowing myself to be who I am, whatever that is, and learning not to worry about what that means to others.  Learning to be patient through the ups and downs (like weight loss plateaus) and remaining constant in the face of these; realizing I can handle emotional challenges without crumbling or escaping with food; and building trust – in myself and in the fact that life will work itself out, even where the future is uncertain; and finding I can be anywhere and find wonderful people and be happy in many places.  All of these are lessons and insights I’m grateful to have, even if they are lessons I’m always relearning.

One Month In – Where I’m at, Where I’m Going

I’m living in a beautiful place doing things I never dreamed possible.  One month in and I’m grateful that the adventure – and this journey of personal discovery – continues.  I’m excited to see what month two will bring, as I begin to adapt to my new way of life and solidify my new body and new approach to health.  I’m still not sure what direction my life will take after this journey.  I’m trusting it will come together when the time is right.  I know this adventure has changed my idea of what is possible for my life; it has also completely changed (and re-oriented) my priorities.  

Achieving my long-term health and fitness goals is now my priority.  I came here with the goal of losing a particular amount of weight. Deep down, I doubted whether I could accomplish it.  Now, I know I can lose the weight, even if my “lizard brain” wants to tell me otherwise.  But the internal fight will continue, and the long-term journey is just beginning.

I also have a fitness goal – compete in a Tough Mudder competition in 3-5 months, particularly the competition in Sydney, Australia in November.  It scares me to share this goal, but my determination at this point outweighs anything.  I want to share this to create support and accountability.  And I plan to prove to myself I'm capable of so much more than I ever dreamed possible.
 

Sharing the vulnerable parts of yourself may be an act of love, courage or foolishness.  Whatever it is, I’ve taken a risk here with no certain outcome or conclusion.  For the first time, I’m not sure where my life will lead or what my next steps will be. But there is peace and humility in accepting that uncertainty and a sense of excitement knowing my life could lead me in any number of directions, to places all over, and that the direction my life takes is one that I choose.  I thank God for that.



My panoramic view these days :)