The Irony and Insights of “Progress”

I’m sitting by myself in my room in Phuket.  I’m in the process of figuring out how I’m going to make money over the next few months.  You can call it a return to a career, or the panic button being hit, or the ongoing draining of my measly funds. I now realize this moment is something I’ve avoided for the last seven months. The fear of “what next” has finally arrived.

What do I really want to do? I want to achieve a happy life. I want to learn to be happy, no matter what life throws at me, whatever the problem, whatever the complexity. This incredible journey in Thailand has taught me more than I can ever explain - but what I’ve learned more than anything is that unless I keep an eye on my mind, my thoughts will run themselves, and my automatic knee-jerk, go-to reaction, despite my “progress”, can often be negative.

I have lost 70 pounds and lived an unusual, colourful life in a beautiful country. Sounds great, right? It absolutely is. On the outside, I look like a success story; a brave inspiration, someone who left it all to chance it at a different life.  I’ve spoken with confidence about my choices, my belief that I would find a way to support myself outside the traditional system of work while I blazed forward with a new physique and sense of vigour.  I thought that I now knew how to deal with my vices that led to my unhealthy choices previously. Anxiety, emotional turmoil - all in check.

The funny thing is, my convenient exterior is a mask. Truthfully, the last few days have been a wake up call. I’ve come to realize so much of what I thought I had improved has awoken from the deep.  It’s almost like the past seven months never happened.  My exact habits of before have creeped in, surprisingly easily; first, here and there, every other week, and steadily, with the increase of my stress and fears, on a daily basis.

What habits you may ask? Procrastinating on workouts; procrastinating with Youtube/Facebook; and worst of all, binge eating as a form of escape.  Yes, after all of my so-called success and progress, the last week has been a non-stop orgy of food escapism.  And with that, all of my familiar but much detested habits - withdrawing from the world, failing to follow through on commitments, neglecting and avoiding friends and people because it is easier to stay hidden. It’s like I went from being sober to falling off the wagon all over again. My room was littered with “Take It” packages (a knock-off of Kit Kats) and popcorn bags this week, sad reminders of my avoidance mechanisms. After all my hard work, it’s been a struggle not to feel horrible and turn anger inwards, knowing that these habits are my ticket back to the person I don’t want to be, to a physical and emotional sense of self I don’t want to feel again.

So what changed? The past two weeks, I’ve worked to remove distractions from my life in order to get focused on what my next moves will be. The product of this change, however, has been more difficult than I anticipated. It has forced me to face the one thing I’ve avoided for months and created so much fear around - my financial situation and, particularly, how the hell I’m going to make a living without doing something that I absolutely hate. I’ll be honest, that is how I feel - although I realize this doesn’t sound very positive. I suppose it is because I’ve never done a job I really enjoyed, or one that I could imagine devoting years of my life to. It doesn’t help that the consistent message from many is that work isn’t supposed to be enjoyable, and that you will probably hate what you spend most of your day doing.

I’m afraid. I’ll just say it. Despite all my soul-searching, my idea-making, and everything in between, I have no clue, and no better sense, of what kind of work will make me excited, or at least not take away from my well-being. Yes, I’m willing to keep my expectations that low. I like the idea of owning and directing something myself, that will bring some worth into the world, and allow me to work on my terms.  But I’ll admit that, as much as I’ve told myself I’m willing take the risk of entrepreneurism, I have no idea where to start, no concept to develop, and I’m too worried about money to be comfortable taking the jump at this point.  That being said, I do have a better sense generally of what makes me happy and excited in life - and how these elements might show up in a role existing out there.

So it’s back to a traditional job search, something I told myself wouldn’t have to go back to. And I guess some of my escapism the last week has been from this fact - that after all of my talk and ideas, I feel like I am returning to square one at some level.  I realize that perhaps, this time it will be different; maybe, by focusing on roles that excite me, it will be more of an experiment of trial and error of what works and what doesn’t more than anything. And life isn’t black and white - I can still work on something entrepreneurial while I work towards financial stability (or at least a bit more stability than I have now) in a “traditional” job.

I have a whole new respect now for entrepreneurs and those who are struggling to make ends meet. I stayed in the safety of my family home for a long time, where I knew I always had a place to sleep, eat, and have my needs covered for as long as I required.  I’m grateful for that, and know I can always go back - but I want to stand on my own two feet, and I truly respect and understand now, a bit more, the frightening prospects of what it would be like making it in this world without even that safety net and without a steady income.

So hence the return of my familiar coping habits; my desire to escape remains, when I face something that feels too overwhelming and fear-creating to handle.  For most of my time in Thailand, I’ve enjoyed what I’ve been doing, and escapism hasn’t reared its head because I’ve wanted to be where I am.  It is the pain of feeling like I’ve failed, the desire to do anything to prevent returning to a job I will hate, and the overwhelming fear that I’ve screwed myself financially that drove me to seek an outlet to pretend it all wasn’t happening.  The last few days have taught me just how much I sought to escape the last few years of my life, and how the last few months have shown me that I can have a life that is still with challenge but that I am excited to be in.  And so really, that is my goal - whatever I do, whatever I feel, and whatever Iife throws at me, create a mindset that embraces these challenges and an environment that motivates me to return to the present moment.

The process of dealing with turmoil is slowly changing.  Yes, I’ve still turned to food the last few days; but I’ve also had moments of progress, where I’ve meditated, or journaled/written out my fears, or turned to a friend and sought connection - the antidote to addiction, most will say. And most importantly, self-compassion is becoming easier.  Being kind to myself has been a struggle the last few years; the perfectionism I demanded of myself, and assumed others expected of me, drove me to self-destruction.  I am working on being courageous, and courage for me is willingness to be imperfect, make mistakes, be compassionate with myself and others, and be vulnerable.  And being vulnerable means accepting the uncertainty in my life, realizing that the things I fear are really not as bad as I have created in my mind, and that whatever is thrown at me, I am resilient enough to handle it.  It is being willing to feel fear and face it; to feel it and take action in the face of it, rather than seek to escape it.  All of this is a bit of lip service for now, but I’ll get to a point of truly believing and internalizing this.

I suppose my act of courage today is being vulnerable now and being compassionate with myself, reminding myself I am allowed to feel and I don’t have to be perfect.  While it is easy to focus on the so-called “failures” of my day, which I am used to doing, I’ll congratulate myself for the steps I made that were successes and contributed to my well-being. Something like writing, or the work I did on applications or a job search, or being more considerate to others; or being kind to myself when I don’t eat in a way that is healthy for me, realizing I can and will improve.  And gratitude for the many, many wonderful parts of my life and the incredible people in my life who are beautiful and awe-inspiring in the here and now, creating a moment I couldn’t possibly want to escape from.  Every day I am working towards creating this new approach to life.  And every day that I do is an accomplishment, a goal worth striving towards, and the creation of a life with purpose, meaning and happiness.

“Ultimately, self-compassion is a series of choices, a moment by moment conscious turning away from that which will harm your spirit toward that which will nourish and sustain you.

“It is choosing, in any particular situation, and over and over again whether you’ll treat yourself well, or beat yourself up, whether you’ll deny yourself, or treat yourself as lovingly as you’d treat your child or your most precious friend.

“Self-compassion means looking at yourself with kindness, with a conscious awareness of your sufferings, and in time, with a deep appreciation for the way you have transformed them.” 

~Daphne Rose Kingma from Loving Yourself: Four Steps to a Happier You

Old Habits Die Hard, Even in Paradise

It’s been a bit more than a month since I last sat down to write.  I self-promised to write an update once a month so I’ll give myself this one as a “close enough.”  I wish I could snapshot all of the thoughts and feelings I’ve had in the last month – all of the ups and downs, all of the realizations, the commitments, accomplishments, etc.  There are too many to count and too many experiences to relay.

So again, where do I start? For month two, I’ve kept a record of highs and lows as a note in my phone, to preserve my contemporaneous thoughts and feelings.  I was looking at the note just now, which looks a bit like stream-of-consciousness writing.  But it brings back the emotions of the moment and reminds me of the deep gratitude I have for this experience, which – despite its challenges and the fears I fight about the future – is probably the most rewarding journey of my life.

What Comes of Worries and Woes?

I could describe this month as the month of realism. Halfway through month two and it strikes me how quickly time passes.  With passing time, it’s easy to fall into that annoying habit of looking at the future.  Somewhere in the month I found my focus swaying from my fitness goal to the big question mark of “what next?”

When I left my old life, I decided to face the question of “what next” when I came to it. The unknown of that was exciting when it was a distant bridge to cross; but as I’ve drawn closer, the unknown has a tendency to transform into a dark cloud with fangs and claws and all kinds of scary things around it.  What do I do? I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to go back to a desk job, I need to make money, I still have debt to pay off, what do I do if I’m no longer a lawyer? What do I have to offer? Do I do all of this only to go back to the same kind of life I had before? Even in a place as stress-free as this, I managed to lose sleep over these incessant thoughts.

Yes, it is possible to worry even in a place like this.

It’s a funny thing; when I made the decision to leave the life of “before” and come to Thailand, in my mind, I thought this decision was the solution to my problems.  That the act of leaving my old life and committing to a new lifestyle would resolve the issues I had before, issues I thought I had resolved.  What I’ve realized is that this move was only the beginning of many things.  I thought this journey was one of primarily physical transformation; as month two progressed, and I have developed a routine and confidence in my training and diet, I’ve realized that it is my emotional and spiritual growth that has required a bit of a tune-up, and how much these dimensions are intertwined with my physical performance in training.

Worrying about the future is a symptom of my suffering mindset.  I know I have to take steps to make plans and work towards a goal, but this future-focus is a reminder that I still struggle to trust and let go. I’m not used to being without a plan or allowing life to unfold as it is.  As much as I’ve told myself that I’ve learned to do this, or that I want this spontaneity, I sometimes find myself falling down the rabbit hole of negative thoughts and catastrophizing if allowed too much time to think.  In these situations, I’ve learned to check myself before I wreck myself, to pull myself out of that place and re-coordinate my mental compass.  But it can be a constant battle when something is on your mind.

I won’t lie; with all the incredible highs here, there are also lows.  The routine of training, of constantly committing to activities that are difficult, challenging, and painful, of consistently working to be outside your comfort zone, can create moments of emotional exhaustion.  Believe it or not, I’ve never been away from home this long; I went to school in Toronto, worked in Toronto, and lived my 27 years in more or less the same 100 km radius.  Homesickness hit me a few times this month, when the vortex of exhaustion, emotional vulnerability and Facebook updates came together in a perfect storm to remind me of the best parts of home.  I’ve missed my family and friends, I’ve felt loneliness, and I’ve even missed the stability of my old life at those moments of challenge and fear, when the future is blurry and out of focus. 

Damn you Facebook news feed!
 

After moments like this in month two, the feeling hit hardest when I went to Kuala Lumpur two weeks ago.  Here I was, in this big, bustling city, which I had never visited before. I was mostly alone for these few days, alone with myself and my thoughts. This had never posed a problem for me before; I have always lived as an independent type and have enjoyed traveling on my own in the past.  But here I was, walking amongst people who were going to their jobs, enjoying a lunch break with co-workers, and then going home to their lives in the city.  I suddenly felt like a displaced person; this very stability that I despised and rejected before was suddenly looking a bit appealing in light of the worrying I was doing about the future.  It also made me feel lost and aimless.  What was I doing? These people had it figured out; what was I going to do? Had I screwed myself over financially and career wise? Is the choice between aimlessness and stability? What had I done?

Emotional turmoil aside, the PETRONAS Towers were gorgeous

I came back to the retreat here feeling out of sorts to say the least.  On the taxi ride back from the airport, I had almost made up my mind to give up on my adventure, to forget month three and run off to whatever security I could find.  I felt like a failure as I thought about all the voices that said I would feel this way, that I would worry, that it was impractical and unwise to take the chance I did.  Maybe all these criticisms had some truth to them after all? 

It was only after a heart-to-heart with one of the owners, a good cry, a massage and a night of sleep in my villa bed that I checked myself the next morning, and realized that a change in perspective was needed.  I wasn’t getting myself anywhere by worrying; it was time to accept what was outside of my control, take on the consequences of my decisions, trust that all would work itself out, pull out my spiritual chops, let go of my anxiety, and not cheat myself out of the unbelievable paradise I was in, and the beauty of my present moment, by focusing on that blurry future.

So I guess I could describe this month as one of personal growth (although all of this could be summed up as that).  I’ve learned that growth is not about accomplishments per se; I thought I’d feel growth from my improving fitness and my continuing weight loss.  There is definitely a physical rebirth that I am experiencing.  But it is how I get through difficulties here that has become my greatest source of strength.  How I push through when I am down and miss home; when I feel lonely; when I want to worry about my lack of plan and immediate direction.  Realizing that life isn’t a straight line or an easy ride, nor is it supposed to be, but riding through the heartache is the way through to the highs.  The only way out is through – this is what I repeat to myself when I am in the middle of a difficult workout; when I don’t think I can handle another second; or when I’m emotionally exhausted or worried about the future.  You have to ride it out.  The only way out is through.  And if I’ve learned anything from training, it’s that easy gets you nowhere.  What hurts, what pushes you to the limit, what makes you cry – it makes you strong.  It makes you grow.

When Gratitude Sets In

I can’t say it’s all been about challenge though.  There are more moments of gratitude and – dare I say it – happiness than I can count (happiness always seems like a difficult word to use, at least in my experience; but I am happy and I’m grateful for it). My physical rebirth alone is a continuing joy.  I catch myself walking down the street feeling lighter, a lightness that is part physical and part emotional.  From month one to month two, I am doing physical feats I never imagined possible for me.  I finally understand what it means to have an active lifestyle, as my days are filled with strength training, running, walking, biking, bootcamps, beach walks and the like.  The difference now is with added confidence in my physical abilities, a tough mindset, and a lighter frame, I want to be active and – dare I say it again – I enjoy being active, and yes, I’m even getting quite good at it. It’s like being a kid again, where you are happy to play in mud and run around for hours.  I’ve lifted a weight – literal and metaphorical – off my shoulders by investing in my health. 

It hit home for me just what I’ve done for my body during one-on-one training recently.  My trainer handed me a heavy weight (the amount of which I will withhold for now) and my first thought was, oh my God, am I going to have to lift that? “Take the weight,” he said.  I held it with both hands, steeling myself for some inevitable exercise that would follow.  “That’s the amount of weight you have lost, the amount you were carrying around.  Could you imagine walking from the gym to the villa with that weight?”

It took a second to register but I was shocked.  How the hell had I carried this weight around on my body? I could barely hold the weight with both hands.  To think I had done any physical activity with that weight was beyond me, even though I had.  I think that moment was a turning point for me.  Knowing how heavy that weight was, knowing the burden I put on myself with that weight, the emotional and physical heaviness I had to take around in the one body I have to live my life in; the weight that deterred me from wanting to be active, from doing these challenging and rewarding activities I have done day-in and day-out here.  Never again.  It’s not about the weight per se; I am who I am, and my soul and personhood is separate and apart from my physical form, no matter what size, shape or abilities I have.  I have simply learned a new way of physically living that has changed the way I feel about so much in my life.  It’s that sense of empowerment I don’t want to let go of.

Imagine all the People…

The gratitude does not stop at the physical transformations.  I can’t say enough how the people I have met here have made all the difference on this unexpected journey – what they have taught me, the love and support they offer, and the eye-opening and often inspiring lives they lead, with all their own ups and downs.  What I keep realizing is how easy it can be to connect with other people; it’s not about the time you have, but about what you share with people that creates connection.  I learn about the lives of these guests; where they live, what they do, what they love, what they want to accomplish.  We support each other when it’s time to complete that last set of squat thrusters, or when it’s time to jump in a 4 degree ice bath.  We enjoy meals together, we go on outings together, we laugh and we cry.  I’ve had discussions with people here that have given me unimaginable insights into life, that have allowed me to start transcending all kinds of limiting beliefs I have about my life and myself.  I have nothing but gratitude for these people I have met who have enriched my life more than they probably know.

It’s not only the guests who come in and out; at an even deeper level, it is the people at the villa who I share my life with, who have become an adopted family here in Thailand, that have given me a sense of home halfway across the world.  It is the sense of consistency that comes from seeing these wonderful people each morning, and spending my days with them, that is the stability I have needed embarking on this challenging transformation.  I love the staff here at the villa, who represent an array of personalities and life stories themselves.  I’m never met without a smile, and there is never a shortage of joking as I practice my shameful Thai (which is slowly growing).  The directors/owners of the villa are my pillars; they are not only friends, but pseudo-relatives and often impromptu counsellors who are unwittingly on this journey of growth with me.  And the other long-term guests are also my partners in crime, my brothers-from-another-mother, who have lifted me up countless times when I needed an extra push in the right direction. And, of course, there are the various trainers and educators here who have relentlessly pushed me towards the upgraded version of my physical self. Even priding myself as a descriptive writer, it is difficult to put into words what it means to have these people in my life.

That being said, I have to give myself some credit for my work on this journey.  Day in and day out I show up and work my ass of.  I eat clean, I don’t cheat, and I go the extra mile even though it never stops being hard to do so.  I am educating myself on what it will mean to be active for life, to train like an athlete and make myself as strong as possible.  My life going forward will be different because I am different.  Before this experience, as much as I’ve tried to work on it, I often looked to others for validation, for confirmation that I am doing the right thing.  In month one, that was certainly the case when it came to my weight loss.  It still is often the case when it comes to feeling good about myself.  As great as it is to have others recognize your hard work, or give you props for things you sometimes fail to recognize in yourself, this all becomes empty if you can’t give this confidence and affirmation to yourself first.  In fact, it can become addictive to receive this affirmation from others, which is a sure-fire sign you aren’t giving it to yourself.  I’ve found that, now and in the past, I can latch onto to certain people, when the attention they give seems to fill some void in myself.  I realize I’ve done the same thing here, particularly in my first month.  As my confidence grows, and I work on the emotional and spiritual side of this transformation, it becomes easier to find this validation in myself.  It’s a work in progress, but one I’m confident I will achieve.

Monuments, Memories and Moments

All this being said, validation is one thing; good company is another.  My best memories from this month inevitably involve my new-found friends and fellow guests.  My first trip to see the Big Buddha, for example, was a day of inner peace for me shared with these friends.  The excitement of driving up the steep hill to Big Buddha in the back of a pickup truck, holding on for dear life while surrounded by amazing views; seeing all kinds of strange restaurant outposts with elephant rides, ATVs, and monkeys available to be fed – for a fee – along the way; all of it enlivened my senses after a day spent sweating in the gym.  Entering the gift shop at the bottom of the stairs to Big Buddha, I enjoyed the quiet, being surrounded by souvenirs, religious symbols and the smell of incense.  The back of the shop opened up to a shrine and prayer area, with dozens of statutes of the Buddha in varying sizes.  I knelt down at the back to receive a blessing from a monk, who tied a bracelet around my left hand (one I will wear till it falls off). 

Big Buddha is there, rain or shine

The stairs up to Big Buddha greet you with a host of gold bells and chimes, which create the sound of serenity that follows you to the top.  Once there, a 360-degree view of Phuket, with its beautiful forests, rolling landscape, array of buildings, temples and mosques, and the trademark sky blue seas give you pause, as does the solemn face of Big Buddha taking in the view.  It is a place for reflection.  I felt nothing but gratitude to take it all in, realizing my life was meant to be lived with such experiences, outside the confines of a desk and the trappings of a conventional life.  On our way out, a fat cat sleeping on the guest book, dead to the world, re-affirmed how funny small things in life can be.

I promise you the cat was alive

Other experiences here are the kind that just let you enjoy the moment you are in, doing new things or things outside our usual routine.  Jumping off the back of a speed boat at Racha Island into a deep lagoon of coral and fish is something to remember, as is swimming in water the colour of a swimming pool as snapper swim by your feet.
 



Racha Island beach

Playing pranks at the villa – like completely toilet-papering the second floor of one of the residences – was a definite highlight which left me in tears laughing with another guest.  
 

Try it - it's really fun

Spending an evening with my two Muay Thai instructors to watch fights at Bangla Stadium in Patong – where their uncle, my former instructor, fought and won – was another adrenaline rush.  Not only do I love spending time with my Muay Thai instructors – two brothers from Khao Lak who are both charming and hilarious – but the lights and sounds of Patong at night, in a stadium framed by four 25-foot Muay Thai fighting figurines, brought much needed excitement into my usually tame Friday nights.
 

Bangla Stadium

And even something as simple as blowing off a day of exercise for a day of rest that involved eating at a restaurant (on program of course) to gossip and then play pool is something that brings a laugh and living in the moment outside the typical routine of training.

And then there are those moments of quiet here, where there are no distractions. I’ve had many of these moments at night, where time seems to stop; nobody is texting or calling me, no one is around, I have nothing that must be done immediately; nothing to occupy me.  I am alone with myself.  It’s in these moments you ask yourself about your purpose; what is the meaning I am giving to my life? What is my direction going to be? I don’t have all the answers yet, but even having these moments is a reason for gratitude.  We can live an entire lifetime without considering these questions.  I hope I always have these moments of quiet, but I admit this can still be a struggle, and these questions take courage to face.

I reviewed a TED talk today that gave me the kind of moment above, one that was both sad and insightful.  An American paramedic discussed his experience with a difficult but routine part of his job – what to tell people who ask him, “Am I dying”? When he had encountered people who were, in fact, beyond help, he routinely lied to them about their state, until he once decided to start telling people the truth.  When people received confirmation that they, in fact, had reached the end, they had many reactions; apart from a remarkable peace and acceptance that was shown, two of the consistent themes were both regret for things they hadn’t done, and fear that their life did not have meaning.  They regretted not spending time with family, or not doing things they truly wanted to do; and they wished that they had done something meaningful with their lives, usually in the form of giving to others.  This isn’t to say that these feelings are inevitable; I truly believe everyone has meaning and has given meaning in their lives in some way, and that most choices are made for a good reason, one that should not elicit regret.  But I think that these questions are something to consider, when you have the blessing of life in this moment; is there something you will regret not doing at the end of your life? Are you living your life in a way that is meaningful to you, in whatever form that may be?

Ending on a High Note

As I think about the choice I’ve made to come here and focus on my health, I realize that all my worries about money and the future are incidental to the life-altering change I am giving myself; and that, at the end of my life, I cannot imagine regretting taking this chance to change my reality, even with all of its costs, uncertainties, and consequences.  In fact, I can bet I would regret failing to take the time to give myself a chance at a different life.  The investment in me is worth all of it, and the meaning I can create for my life, in the form of personal wellness, a career, and what I can give to others, will be the hopeful and eventual consequences of this labour.  While I sometimes struggle to stay in this grateful state, I’m glad I am at least working towards it.  At the end of the day, it’s all about your perspective, as meaning and regret are all relative to you.  I think we are all on the path to making the most of our lives.  As I work to figure it all out, I’m enjoying this interesting bend in the road, and all the experiences the path gives me along the way.

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love.  It will not lead you astray.” -  Rumi

Taking a chance at painting some inspiration - who knows where it could lead :)

A Plane Ticket, a Dream and a Leap of Faith

My plan to write daily has evolved into one long post about my time in Phuket thus far.  Adjusting here was hard and I needed time.  It's no small feat to go from the stressed life to the active life. I'm hoping to share here the ups and downs of my 90 day journey from my "before" life to my life "after" the leap.

 

I wrote this blog about a week ago but hesitated to post it for a host of reasons. Month two is proving challenging mentally and some of my thoughts below have changed.  The challenge, however, has given me the realization of what my long-term plans need to be.  More on that later. :)

 



Sunset at Yanui Beach





At the Beginning – the Journey to my Life Sabbatical

It’s been 36 days since I boarded a plane in Toronto for my long-awaited adventure to Phuket, Thailand. That day in July was preceded by months of planning and dreaming for an experience to change my life, for what I thought would be primarily physical changes.  

For years, I have struggled with a desire to break out of my physical mold, to accomplish the seemingly insurmountable task of losing weight.  For as long as I can remember, weight has been an issue for me.  I still have vivid memories of eating as a child; most often, it involved sneaking food from various sources, whether as a source of pleasure or an antidote for pain.  This pattern continued into my adolescence and adulthood.  I’ve put on pounds of weight, lost it, put it all on again, and the cycle goes on.  Stress, anxiety, and all kinds of unsympathetic beliefs about myself and the limits of my life helped facilitate this ongoing drama.  

My “identity” for most of my life has been that of the high achiever, a self-imposed definition that has contributed to my incessant stress and corresponding unhealthy coping mechanisms.  Academically and career-wise, I could accept nothing less than the best.  When you create these expectations, the means to that end becomes a painful thing to “get through”; and hence, the last five years of my life became something to “get through.” I “got through” undergrad, I “got through” law school, “got through” articling, “got through” my first year of practice, while requiring myself to attain top grades, top positions and top performance.  As I continued in my practice, I began to wonder why I continued to simply “get through” everything I was doing.  It didn’t make sense to me that I should put so much of my time, effort and self into something I could only tolerate and will myself to endure until some unforeseeable point in time. 

Moreover, the more I did things I had to “get through”, the more of myself I lost.  I found myself changing to meet the expectations of others.  Being a lawyer meant being tough, aggressive, no-nonsense; apparently, it drew less on some of my best personality traits, which I began to see as weaknesses, despite previously seeing these as a source of pride.  I began to take stock of myself and look at the choices I had made and the path I was on.  I found that my life had been defined by certain choices I had made, motivated by certain fears and beliefs, certain perceptions I received from others, and the baggage of judgments I had come to believe about myself.  I came to realize that I was “getting through” things because I believed I had no other choices in life.

With a lot of soul-searching and other support, I began to find myself, underneath the rigid layers of shoulds, shouldn’ts, and narrow worldview I had internalized for as long as I could remember.  Out of that, I came to the conclusion I wanted something different for my life and I wanted a fresh start, in every sense of the word.  I had no idea what form that might take until, after some cleverly crafted Google searches, I happened upon a health retreat in Phuket, Thailand, where I could physically train and reform my eating habits, far removed from the destruction-enabling environment I had created at home.  I almost talked myself out of sending an email for more info, but decided I had nothing to lose.  Thankfully, I took that chance and sent the email – and you could say the rest is history, as I sit here writing this post from my room facing the hills of Phuket.



Looks a bit different from my view at home

Taking the Chance – Phuket or Bust

 

Coming to Thailand was not an easy decision for me.  For some, it may seem like an uncomplicated choice.   For me, it required fighting a matrix of discouraging sentiments– both internally and externally – and taking an uncharacteristic risk.  I knew it was time to find a different path, career-wise and personally, but it required making some bold moves.  Of course, many would say that there were other ways to accomplish my goals, but I knew myself better than anyone, and I knew a drastic change would be the kick I needed to reorient my life.  I was lucky enough to have hard-earned, albeit new-found, courage that allowed me to depart from my job and plan a one-way trip to a place I had never been before. 

It was not a spontaneous move by any means; I researched the hell out of the retreat (which the owners can attest to J), I weighed the pros and cons and consequences this move would have in all areas of my life (career, money-wise, etc. etc.), prayed for guidance and clarity, but ultimately, I realized taking this chance might give me the kind of life I now had the courage to hope for, while staying put would leave me in the same place I had always been. 

Although weight loss, health and fitness were my goals, I was also curious to see who I would become if I was away from all the people, roles and perceptions that had come to define me, from my own perspective and that of others.  I was also lucky to have many incredible supporters who understood why I wanted to take this chance to improve my life.

With much effort, I put the wheels in motion and by the grace of God and meticulous planning, I found myself flying across the world to Shanghai, China, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia and finally Phuket, Thailand.  It was a risk in every sense of the word, but the risk would hopefully be worth the reward.

I can’t pretend I wasn’t a bit nervous taking this trip, but fear wasn’t really in the equation.  The excitement of embarking on a journey without a defined end was the greatest exhilaration I’ve felt in my life. I remember the feeling of flying over the many islands around Phuket, as I began to land at my final destination; the gorgeous turquoise waters against the dark green-blue of the forested hills lit up my mind and quickened my heart, as I realized this beautiful place would be my new temporary home.  I couldn’t believe my plan had actually come through, as I never believed something like this could happen to me.

I was picked up at the airport and driven to the retreat.  My eyes were alive to the sights and sounds of this strange new place.  Driving on the wrong side of the road, the streets busy with beeping cars and competing scooters.  The streets featured hanging sides, one on top of the other, advertising lively restaurants, sketchy-looking bars and shops lined with vacation-style clothing.  Our drive was framed by the beautiful hills surrounding Phuket, the jungle trees and rubber tree farms, and all kinds of temples and shrines.



One of many beautiful temples in Phuket

 

Arriving at the retreat, a nervousness finally crept in; what if, after all my planning, I had made a big mistake? The usual fears played out in mind. 

Contrary to these misgivings, what I found was a group of people who were, surprisingly, much like me.  The guests were upbeat, welcoming, and from every part of the world.  I shared my first few days of life-changing experiences with people I had only just met, and yet who I connected with immediately.   Still adjusting to my new environment, I visited a nearby beach, Naiharn, with two other guests – one from the UK, the other from Dubai - on my second or third day.  I could see the crashing waves as we traveled over the sinking sand to the beachfront.  It was my first time at a beach in years.  We entered the water with trepidation and found ourselves knocked off our feet over and over again with the strength of the waves.  And yet all we did was laugh and stand up for more punishment.  As I tasted the saltwater and took in the islands and surrounding trees, it sunk in that I was thousands of miles from home, in new found company, feeling like a kid again.  The experience was surreal.




Naiharn Beach from afar

 

The Highlights

My days here have been hectic and an adjustment for mind and body alike. There is a schedule of 3-5 workouts a day, of which I typically do at least 2, one strength, one cardio, with a flexibility class usually thrown in.  Add on a range of self-development lessons and social time and you have a packed day.  I love it, but it is a physical challenge, rather than an intellectual feat like the kind I’ve gripped myself with the past seven years.  My brain is working in ways I never knew possible, and the strengthening of my muscles is now accompanied by the strengthening of my resolve.

Weight loss is truly a mental trip.  I had no idea that my path of reforming my body would instead become an act of disciplining my mind.  But the physical changes, and the change in my physical environment, have also brought about unexpected personal changes.  Being away from what has previously defined me has allowed me to evolve into anything I want to be.  I may be here to change my appearance, but suddenly I’ve felt vivacious, interesting, funny and witty.  I’ve enjoyed feeling good about myself.  Truly that’s what it comes down to. 

And I’m surrounded by people who start off strangers and become friends, confidants and cheerleaders.  People who see something in me that I often fail to see in myself.  They see something special, unique, kind, empathetic and worthy of recognition. I think I came here broken in a number of ways, but not the kind of broken that is necessarily sorrowful; it’s the kind of broken that happens when you are forced to look at yourself and reassemble the parts into a new and more authentic version of you.  I can’t say I didn’t think I was great before; now, I just accept that there is something special that I bring to the table that perhaps others do not, and that’s worth taking pride in.

These sentiments hit on what have been the highlights of my journey so far. I’ve been in Phuket approximately a month, and it would be difficult to summarize everything I’ve done.  The best parts include:

• The people.  As I mentioned, this experience would be nothing without the incredible people I have met along the way.  I have seen people stay for a week or two at a time, and make lasting connections even then, and also had the company of a few long-term residents, who experienced the daily workouts, classes, and personal dramas with me.  I have received immeasurable support from people who became fast friends, life coaches, and personal trainers.  These wonderful people have pushed me to be a better version of myself – or perhaps to be my more authentic self – and asked for nothing in return (except updates on Facebook J).  Some pushed me to physically challenge myself further than I thought I could go, adding extra workouts and physical treks that taught me about the depth of my physical endurance (and the extent of my pride).  These beautiful friends left me gifts as they left to return to their own lives, in the form of encouraging words, books, beauty products, and the list goes on.  They also left me with the knowledge that they were routing for me in all of the different parts of the world they are in.  I’ve never had the opportunity to meet so many like-minded individuals from so many parts of the world.  It is an experience I will never forget.

 

• Feeling the changes in my body.  Your brain has a memory of your body weight and shape. When your body feels lighter, or no longer moves the same, it awakens something in the brain. It is also exciting to be able to physically accomplish tasks that were impossible before.  I can do a TRX sit-up with ease, run up hills, stretch into ever stranger yoga positions, lift heavier weights, complete bootcamp circuits, and other things that were an incredible challenge when I first arrived.  I now look in the mirror and see a different shape slowly emerging.  My clothes – even my workout clothes – are beginning to fit differently.  My energy is lighter, my body is lighter, my skin has cleared up, my translucent skin is now a bronzy brown, and I find myself make-up free 99% of the time. It’s an experiment in naturalism that I’ve never had. I feel sober being here, outside the heavy influence of sugar, carbs, fat, and food highs I had cloaked myself in for the last year.  Despite being without carbs for over a month, and not having cravings, I still feel like my new found healthy habits are precariously kept.  With time and effort, I’m hoping this addict-mindset will subside.

 

• Learning to discipline my mind.  I’ve learned that the same kind of dedication, resourcefulness, toughness and strength I’ve exhibited in other parts of my life – career-wise, academically, emotionally/mentally – are equally applicable to physical challenges.  Looking back at my life, I realize I have rarely challenged myself physically for a sustained period of time.  I’ve attended bootcamp and personal training, both of which gave me the courage to even attempt a physical adventure like this.  But I have never focused on training, day in and day out, and experienced the highs and lows it brings.  I realized I’ve allowed myself to remain comfortable when it comes to physical challenge.  Like with life decisions, I’ve allowed fear and pain to hold me back. I also flat believed I couldn’t do most of things I’ve done.  Being forced to push through these – by being at this retreat, by attending group classes, by being surrounded by new-found friends who believe in my abilities more than I do - I’ve learned I’m remarkably strong for my current physical weight.  I have also learned that the part of my brain telling me to stop, to take it easy, to give less – the instinctual, inherited part of the brain that seeks preservation and survival, the “lizard brain” – can be ignored.  I’ve usually listened to that part of my brain, when it comes to working out or other parts of life.  That part is now affectionately known as “Sheena” and I can comfort her and then tell her to go away when she arises.  My physical workouts are now the battlefield where I wage the war against the parts of my mind holding me back.  Each time, I am amazed at how much more I can accomplish than what I believed starting out.

• The physical accomplishments – on that note, I’ve done things here that are huge accomplishments from my perspective.  Cardio is a challenge for me (and not something I enjoy).  Activities that are difficult, and that do not play to my strengths, are the kind I’ve subconsciously avoided.  So to complete these tasks is big for me, but continues to be rewarding as I see myself improve.  Some accomplishments, on the other hand, are simply fun things that give me pause to appreciate the incredible tasks I am enjoying every day:



• Completing stair hurricanes, which consists of an anaerobic workout of sprinting up stairs, completing step-ups and push-ups in-between, finished with 3 rounds of sprinting-up hill, jumping jacks and tricep dips – seems small, but this workout terrified me when I first arrived (and still remains my Everest).  I skipped this workout twice, then pulled a muscle before I could attempt it the third time.  I finally completed the workout two weeks ago.  It was hard as hell and I wasn’t the fastest, but I didn’t stop.  My mental chops really came in handy (and continue to come in handy) on this one (and the extra practice on stairs I received from another guest, who became a good friend and personal coach/trainer, made all the difference J).

 

• Cardio challenges – I’ve completed 12-minute runs (and this week finally completed the run without stopping/walking once); circuits of sprinting/jogging uphill around the rolling roads of Phuket; triathlon training; tabata training requiring intervals of squat thrusters, mountain-climbers, and other exercises where my brain is begging me to stop; beach running; Muay Thai, the list goes on.

 

The view from the top of one of our many hikes

• TRX and bootcamp – these are both some of my favourite kinds of training but also some of the most challenging.  My TRX strength has increased significantly, whether in terms of squat jumps, or mastering form, or “increasing the angle.” I’ve learned in bootcamp to push myself beyond what I thought was possible, even when I hate hearing the phrase “one more 2 minute interval.”

• Yoga – I was surprised to discover here that I am relatively flexible, more so (apparently) than the average.  My flexibility continues to improve as I lose weight and increase my strength.  The yoga classes here are challenging and rewarding, and it is a wonderful surprise to find you are good at something when you expected it all to be a struggle.  The beautiful views of the ocean during yoga on Promthrep Cape are also worth the trip.

• Muay Thai training – we were lucky enough to have classes with an ex-Thailand champion Muay Thai fighter.  A slight looking man, our teacher is in fact built like a truck and you realize it if you have the misfortune of hitting him.   His kindness and humour in teaching a riff-raff bunch of uncoordinated fighters – considering this man is the elite of Muay Thai competitors – made an impression on all of us.  The culture of Muay Thai in Phuket is worth visiting for; the masters of this sport are artists who pair speed, agility, strategy, and nimble balance.  It is a discipline and athleticism that commands respect.



The warrior zone

• The beauty of Phuket - as I mentioned, Phuket is blessed with natural beauty.  The beaches are beautiful, albeit a little rough for ware in the current circumstances; nature and wildlife here are abundant.  I’ve seen kinds of trees I never knew existed (fanning palm trees? gorgeous); frogs, geckos, snakes, fruit trees, wild dogs everywhere, and of course, there is always a backdrop of picturesque hills or an ocean dotted with islands on the horizon.  My bike rides on Tuesday around Thanyapura, a sports facility about an hour away, remain one of the highlights of my time here; biking past quiet, shaded rubber tree farms, which seem frozen in time, rows of pineapple bushes (who knew pineapples grow on bushes?!), cows grazing on grass, and the other simple, calm parts of life in rural Phuket – so far removed from the life I have lived to date – have brought me peace and heightened my gratitude for an experience so life-changing.  My trips to Coral Island, about half an hour from Phuket by Thai longboat, are also imprinted in my mind.  Riding along the light blue water, speeding past rocky islands on your way to a beach filled with coral and exotic fish, is exciting for a girl from cold, urban Canada.  You know you grew up in the city when you are enthralled by sea urchins, blue starfish, living coral and rainbow-coloured fish swimming around your feet.

Beautiful Coral Island

 

• The sights of Phuket – My outings in Phuket have also brought a much-needed break from working out, while also allowing me to play tourist for a time. Even a trip to a mall here is fun because everything is different. Central Festival, a huge mall close by, is somehow more exciting than the malls back home.  Trips to the Night Market bring an adrenaline rush, with the market’s hodgepodge of sights and smells, stalls selling clothing (including Thai fisher pants), make-up, food, art, bath products, bootleg DVDs, bags, snakes, and all other manner of things.  Shopping along Kata Beach with some fellow shopaholics was a wonderful way to spend an afternoon.  On a walk up to Promthrep Windmill a few days ago, I visited a temple hidden away from the road, settled on the edge of a cliff overlooking Yanui Beach.  Our group was welcomed by a monk, whose graciousness humbled me as I appeared in my dusty and sweaty state. The quiet serenity of this place, where sparkling tombstones and offerings framed marble seats overlooking the ocean, gave me a cherished moment of calm that replenished my energy.  I’ve had other getaways of solitude like this, where I escape to a beautiful view to regroup, reflect, and write, and these outings become part of the therapy I’ve experienced here.  Shockingly, I still have not yet visited Big Buddha, but it is on the list for month 2 (I’m hoping to make it a physical and spiritual journey by walking up there). 

The view from the hidden temple

 

• Finally, the emotional and personal growth – This unique experience has offered me challenges I did not expect.  Through these, I’ve found myself increasing in gratitude, doing things that scare me, and living in the moment.  I’m also learning to be comfortable with myself.  I am able to gain confidence from a sense of physical and personal strength, lit from within.  I’m also allowing myself to be who I am, whatever that is, and learning not to worry about what that means to others.  Learning to be patient through the ups and downs (like weight loss plateaus) and remaining constant in the face of these; realizing I can handle emotional challenges without crumbling or escaping with food; and building trust – in myself and in the fact that life will work itself out, even where the future is uncertain; and finding I can be anywhere and find wonderful people and be happy in many places.  All of these are lessons and insights I’m grateful to have, even if they are lessons I’m always relearning.

One Month In – Where I’m at, Where I’m Going

I’m living in a beautiful place doing things I never dreamed possible.  One month in and I’m grateful that the adventure – and this journey of personal discovery – continues.  I’m excited to see what month two will bring, as I begin to adapt to my new way of life and solidify my new body and new approach to health.  I’m still not sure what direction my life will take after this journey.  I’m trusting it will come together when the time is right.  I know this adventure has changed my idea of what is possible for my life; it has also completely changed (and re-oriented) my priorities.  

Achieving my long-term health and fitness goals is now my priority.  I came here with the goal of losing a particular amount of weight. Deep down, I doubted whether I could accomplish it.  Now, I know I can lose the weight, even if my “lizard brain” wants to tell me otherwise.  But the internal fight will continue, and the long-term journey is just beginning.

I also have a fitness goal – compete in a Tough Mudder competition in 3-5 months, particularly the competition in Sydney, Australia in November.  It scares me to share this goal, but my determination at this point outweighs anything.  I want to share this to create support and accountability.  And I plan to prove to myself I'm capable of so much more than I ever dreamed possible.
 

Sharing the vulnerable parts of yourself may be an act of love, courage or foolishness.  Whatever it is, I’ve taken a risk here with no certain outcome or conclusion.  For the first time, I’m not sure where my life will lead or what my next steps will be. But there is peace and humility in accepting that uncertainty and a sense of excitement knowing my life could lead me in any number of directions, to places all over, and that the direction my life takes is one that I choose.  I thank God for that.



My panoramic view these days :)